Direct Answers - Column for the week of December 8, 2003

In my husbands family, family members send Christmas cards to other family members (parents to children, brothers and sisters to one another, etc.) even though the family always spends instant together at Christmas for a meal and gift exchange.

My husband and I do not understand of any other family that does this. We both always understood Christmas cards were for family members one would not be seeing because they live too far away, or that Christmas cards we are sent from one family to another.

We do not send Christmas cards to members of my immediate family we will be seeing. Which way is correct from an etiquette point of view? Or are they both equally correct? Are we breaching his familys tradition by not "cooperating" because we will be seeing them at Christmas?

Anita

Anita, which is correct--opening presents on Christmas Eve or opening presents on Christmas Day? From an etiquette point of view, they are equally correct. The identical applies to your card question.

Your husbands family tradition is the less common, but we understand all the people who send cards to family members close at hand. Somerset Maugham said, "Tradition is a guide not a jailer." The identical might be said of etiquette, and common sense supersedes them both.

Tamara is not sentimental about cards, but she will give cards to those who especially enjoy receiving them. Because your husbands family enjoys this tradition, think about following it with them and following your own tradition with all the people else. That solves the awkwardness of receiving a card without giving one.

Wayne

In Memory

For over 10 years I diligently cared for my wife, until she died from the complications of multiple sclerosis. During that period we had the help of a nurse who became very much a friend to both of us. I paid for her automobile club membership each year so she could get to our home in her various junk cars.

After my wife died, I stayed in contact with the nurse on a platonic basis, talking on the phone monthly and sharing dinner a few times a year. I also continued to pay the motor club membership in gratitude for all she gave my wife. I felt it was a sizeably efficient and generous thing to do. She gave her all to us.

After a long period of grief, I began to search for a new partner and started a new relationship about six decades ago. I mentioned my yearly gift to my girlfriend last week when the bill came, and she became very upset with me for doing this. She described this as unethical and an infraction serious enough to finish our relationship.

She knows I have no romantic or sexual contact with this woman and trusts me in that regard, but is astounded I do not see the moral bad choice in what I have been doing. I ponder myself someone of high morals. I just do not acquire it. What principle am I violating? I am not grasping answers I may comprehend from my girlfriend. She insists I discuss this with others, who will enlighten me.

Clay

Clay, you are a thoughtful, caring man. You and this nurse share a bond, and in honoring her you also honor the memory of your wife. There is nothing wrong in what you are doing, any more than there is something wrong with giving funds to a cause in memory of someone who has passed on.

Your girlfriend cannot tell you exactly what she doesnt like about your gift without revealing her true motives. Your girlfriend desire to break you away from the memory of your wife and the reality of any other woman. Often circumstances arise as a warning sign about other people. If you give in to your girlfriend, you might as well hand over your wallet, your pants, and your life.

Tamara